so we did it….Posh and I went over with flowers, Hickory Sticks, and beef jerky (three of said friend’s faves) and talked to My wonderful friend about her problem….we told her we loved her and would always be there for her in any way she needed us but that we couldn’t watch her destroy herself…she was an emotional mess but she got it (I hope) …we talked more about some positive steps she needs to take to move forward with her life…and she agreed…all in all I was relieved…I have my concerns but she is here and lucid

wow…so this is what it is like to deal with an unreasonable drunk…this is a bit foreign to me….my friend will not answer any of my texts or calls and is also ignoring another of our friends….I am shocked by her behaviour…this is not what she is like normally…she is the sweetest most giving person…now she is stubborn and nasty…the only texts back that I received from her were last night during her drunken stupor….she told me to leave her alone, don’t text or contact her ever,that our friendship was done

I am sad….frustrated…confused

I know that this is her shit but I love her so much and this is so opposite of her usual self….I thought she would wake up this morning and either not remember anything or else be so sorry for her actions….

Alcohol is one crazy drug…don’t get me wrong, you all know that I like to imbibe but to let it overtake your life?…I can’t compute ….I am so shocked that someone’s personality can do a complete 180 because of alcohol…I can intellectualize the situation…see her stress factors (breakup, job loss, unwanted pregnancy etc) and understand why she is reacting this way but…then I feel so sad and confused and hurt….and helpless…..I feel that anything I say to her about her drinking she will see as a personal attack

I have left messages and texts saying how much I love and care for her and how I will always be here for her…she has replied by saying I tossed her out like a douche…this doesn’t even make sense…we haven’t even had our mini intervention with her yet!… so I have not said anything to her other than she shouldn’t feel guilty all the time as she is one of the most compassionate giving people I have ever met…..

I am stunned

sad sad smooches,

Sigh

I am here for her and see her all the time…but everytime I see her she is drunk…and I don’t mean tipsy …I mean slurring…another friend and I are going to have a talk to her tomorrow…i am not looking forward to it…

Tonight I saw her drunk and nasty for the first time….I am hurt and concerned by her behaviour tonight

Sigh

tired smooches,

This morning I got my wish…

Work is going well…I am loving my new work buddies…Last night we went for a few drinks at the little lounge up the block…we had so much fun…my sides are actually sore from laughing so hard…not to mention my head from multiple greyhounds….or maybe the shot of tequila…..

And to add to my blissness….I bought myself a pair of shoes that I totally couldn’t afford…but I love them!….and there is not an ounce of regret in this girl…I mean look at them….I had to….

Smooches,

PS Today I am thankful for open toed shoe weather

I always get a little pissed off by the rampant commercialism that is hoisted upon us…but most of all I get pissed with myself because no matter how much I try to avoid this holiday I end up getting chocolates and hiding them in the back yard for the kids…

hmmmm….I guess it can’t be that bad if it ends in chocolate

Later this morning…..

Ok  I just had a freak out….My house is a f#*cking pigsty and it is not my mess….these thoughtless shits darling daughters of mine make a whole lotta mess!….and they don’t clean up!…they are not that bad I guess but if I am not nagging them about cleaning up they let it go….this morning I walked into the livingroom to see the couch covered by blankets pillows (who knew we even had that many pillows?), the coffee table under a heap of papers, pencil crayons, pencil sharpeners, glasses, a cup, a plate, and an empty tofu container, the floor was littered with dvds and playstation games and backpacks….

That was when I freaked…

I hate that….that is not what I want to do first thing in the morning….that is not what I want to do anytime…..now I just feel frustrated, exhausted, sad, and disappointed with myself

Sigh

Tomorrow will be better

self pitying smooches,

PS today I am thankful for my cat (who still loves me when i freak out…Yeah that’s right… I am feeling sorry for myself!)…. I am also thankful for my Asian Spice and Marvelous M for listening to me vent because I am about to call at least one of them to bitch now!

It was pretty cool watching some of the auditions…you could feel the nervous tension in the room but it was very inspiring to see these kids overcoming their fear and getting on the stage ….it took me years to do that

On another note, it is f**king snowing again!!!!  #$%*#  I am so done with snow now!!!!   I love the snow in December….even January and November…but April 1!?…this is a bad April Fool’s joke!….I know I live in Canada but we gloat about our blossoms and daffodils when the rest of you poor sots are still shovelling…..karma’s a bitch…..hmmmm it does sorta look pretty…

smooches,

PS today I am thankful for spring…also I am thankful for the comments and messages I received following my last post….thank you it helped just getting it off my chest…purging if you will

Two months ago I received an email (yep that’s right an EMAIL!) from one of my closest friends….it was short and curt and basically stated that we have been drifting apart for the past several years…..she wrote that our friendship had become unhealthy and that “although it may seem cruel” she was going to be ending our friendship…she went on to say that I “am a beautiful and giving person” but felt it was best to end our 20 year friendship with an email…she even wrote that this may seem to come out of the blue but if I felt that I needed to talk she would but instructed me to wait a week or so until I had time to reflect….

I was shocked!…this was out of the blue for me…I talked to this woman every morning sometimes more than once…I had talked to her that morning and there was nothing out of the ordinary in our conversation….

I emailed her back immediately saying that yes I was shocked and that I did not feel we were drifting apart or our relationship was unhealthy…I asked her to elaborate on her email…that she means that much to me and if I done or said something to her to doubt my friendship please tell me…I told her that I considered her to be my family and that family is not disposed of that easily…that with family you weigh the good with the bad and if my bad outweighs the good tell me because that is not who I would like to be…..

Even in my shock and confusion then I knew there was something more going on…We had been friends for twenty years and seen each other through marriage, childbirth, divorce, and reamarriage….we had been more brutally honest with each other than anyone else….and we had always been able to even when we didn’t always agree with each other…..just like family…..

And speaking of family….we had conspired to set her up with my then brother-in-law twelve years ago (after her first divorce)…she is still with my ex bro-in-law and they have a ten year old daughter as well as her oldest daughter from the first marriage….these are my nieces that I am now not allowed to contact…these are my daughters cousins!

I was and am still hurt beyond belief by her excommunication of me as a friend

Two weeks later she finally returned my phone calls (after her instructing my nieces to tell me she is unavailable)…she basically told me that it wasn’t her place to tell me what is the matter…instead she told me to look within myself for the answer (WTF?…um ok Obi Wan Kenobe) because she didn’t want to be cruel by criticizing me….I told her that there was nothing she could say to me that would hurt more than her actions thus far…she then told me that I was extremely judgemental and that I have judged her for years….I told her that no, I was not judging her and that I love her and accept everything about her even if I don’t always agree with her…that is friendship; accepting and loving and respecting…and I have always respected her…she told me that I don’t even realize that I am judging her…um yeah NOT!!!!…she then told me that ten years ago when she got boob implants she felt judged by me…I told her (as I did then) that I didn’t understand why  but that after she had told me her reasons I did understand and respected those reasons…Hell, I even defended her over and over again to my then in-laws…even she changed her tune after that because she knows I do not judge that!!!

Most of all I feel disappointed, exposed (I mean I told her everything!), hurt, and even a little attacked (she knows that I pride myself on being very accepting of people…my #1 rule for friends is that they are good and kind people…the rest I can accept without judgement)….she also knows that the one issue for her has always been her judgement  and distrust of others…in my lame ass analysis of this whole sad situation I deduce that she has transferred her issues to me

That was the last time I spoke to her…that was over two months ago….

I wonder if she just couldn’t face me with that shite again…she should know me better than that though…I have always stood by decisions even if they weren’t the same ones that I would make…..

We have bared our souls to each other …she was there for me when my marriage died and I was there for her when she was in the same boat…we have talked   each other through just about everything: her childhood sexual abuse, her custody battle, parenting issues, my crazy marriage, my crazy dating issues, friends, work….EVERYTHING!

I don’t know if I can possibly convey the feelings I have felt the past couple months but throughout this strange trip I feel ok…just disappointed and confused…

I guess I was dumped….what an ego kill!

anyways, thanx for listening bloggy friends

smooches,

PS today I am thankful for the friends I have!

morning smooches,

PS Today I am thankful for a few moments to myself

smooches,