sad
So here it is…the post that has been brewing in my head and in my heart for the past two months….it may be scattered and fragmented as I try to articulate the emotions that have arisen….
Two months ago I received an email (yep that’s right an EMAIL!) from one of my closest friends….it was short and curt and basically stated that we have been drifting apart for the past several years…..she wrote that our friendship had become unhealthy and that “although it may seem cruel” she was going to be ending our friendship…she went on to say that I “am a beautiful and giving person” but felt it was best to end our 20 year friendship with an email…she even wrote that this may seem to come out of the blue but if I felt that I needed to talk she would but instructed me to wait a week or so until I had time to reflect….
I was shocked!…this was out of the blue for me…I talked to this woman every morning sometimes more than once…I had talked to her that morning and there was nothing out of the ordinary in our conversation….
I emailed her back immediately saying that yes I was shocked and that I did not feel we were drifting apart or our relationship was unhealthy…I asked her to elaborate on her email…that she means that much to me and if I done or said something to her to doubt my friendship please tell me…I told her that I considered her to be my family and that family is not disposed of that easily…that with family you weigh the good with the bad and if my bad outweighs the good tell me because that is not who I would like to be…..
Even in my shock and confusion then I knew there was something more going on…We had been friends for twenty years and seen each other through marriage, childbirth, divorce, and reamarriage….we had been more brutally honest with each other than anyone else….and we had always been able to even when we didn’t always agree with each other…..just like family…..
And speaking of family….we had conspired to set her up with my then brother-in-law twelve years ago (after her first divorce)…she is still with my ex bro-in-law and they have a ten year old daughter as well as her oldest daughter from the first marriage….these are my nieces that I am now not allowed to contact…these are my daughters cousins!
I was and am still hurt beyond belief by her excommunication of me as a friend
Two weeks later she finally returned my phone calls (after her instructing my nieces to tell me she is unavailable)…she basically told me that it wasn’t her place to tell me what is the matter…instead she told me to look within myself for the answer (WTF?…um ok Obi Wan Kenobe) because she didn’t want to be cruel by criticizing me….I told her that there was nothing she could say to me that would hurt more than her actions thus far…she then told me that I was extremely judgemental and that I have judged her for years….I told her that no, I was not judging her and that I love her and accept everything about her even if I don’t always agree with her…that is friendship; accepting and loving and respecting…and I have always respected her…she told me that I don’t even realize that I am judging her…um yeah NOT!!!!…she then told me that ten years ago when she got boob implants she felt judged by me…I told her (as I did then) that I didn’t understand why but that after she had told me her reasons I did understand and respected those reasons…Hell, I even defended her over and over again to my then in-laws…even she changed her tune after that because she knows I do not judge that!!!
Most of all I feel disappointed, exposed (I mean I told her everything!), hurt, and even a little attacked (she knows that I pride myself on being very accepting of people…my #1 rule for friends is that they are good and kind people…the rest I can accept without judgement)….she also knows that the one issue for her has always been her judgement and distrust of others…in my lame ass analysis of this whole sad situation I deduce that she has transferred her issues to me
That was the last time I spoke to her…that was over two months ago….
I wonder if she just couldn’t face me with that shite again…she should know me better than that though…I have always stood by decisions even if they weren’t the same ones that I would make…..
We have bared our souls to each other …she was there for me when my marriage died and I was there for her when she was in the same boat…we have talked each other through just about everything: her childhood sexual abuse, her custody battle, parenting issues, my crazy marriage, my crazy dating issues, friends, work….EVERYTHING!
I don’t know if I can possibly convey the feelings I have felt the past couple months but throughout this strange trip I feel ok…just disappointed and confused…
I guess I was dumped….what an ego kill!
anyways, thanx for listening bloggy friends
smooches,
PS today I am thankful for the friends I have!
Filed under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Whoa man, that’s heavy. No wonder you’ve been awol. I’m glad you are able to look at it from a distance now, but it is ridiculous that you aren’t allowed to see your nieces or your daughters their cousins. Good luck, sweetie.
Oh, AB, I’m so sorry about this. It sounds like you got a bad deal without any explanation because there isn’t a good one. FWIW, I don’t think it is about you but rather about her not being OK.
Hugs to you.
It can hurt as much when a beloved girlfriend “breaks up” with us as it does when a beloved lover does.
I think, from reading what you’ve said, that the issues here are hers. She is hurting and no, she does not want to have to defend herself from your honesty, even if you wouldn’t judge. You are a mirror to her and she does not want to look into it.
If I were you, I would just tell her that you are here for her whenever and however she needs you and then step back and wait a bit.
I’ve gone through this myself.
But I’m sorry for your pain because I know you have it.
What.the.FUCK??? After a twenty year friendship??? There is something fishy going on and I definitely think she’s projecting her own shit on to you. I totally understand you are hurt however …. {very, very rarely do I give this kind of (unsolicited) advice} …. because it smells like she’s stepped in something shitty, I think she deserves an “I’m thinking of you” card in the coming months. Just give her space and even if she never comes around, if you truly suspect (or know) something is going on, she’s going to want to hear from you, even if she never admits it.
I’m thinking of you!
kiss kiss,
me
thank you all for your comments….I truly miss this friend and wish her nothing but love however….I know she has a lot of issues that she is dealing with (and some she is not) however …..I also feel that twenty years of friendship and love and respect and familial bonds is not something to be tossed out as if it meant nothing….Lil Sass I may take your advice as I do hope we are someday in eachother’s lives again but I will never ever again feel the same safety and trust in her …. but you live you learn you forgive but you file that shite!
smooches